Compulsory Forgiveness - the Second Victimization:

According to the Collin's Dictionary, "forgive' is defined as "to pardon; to cease to bear resentment against' to cancel a debt." The root word is an accounting term referring to the stamping of a bill as `paid', a zeroing out of the balance of an account. The phrase "Forgive and forget", is therefore consistent with the original meaning of the word. With a zero balance, there is nothing to remember!! Reconciliation and forgiveness are therefore so intimately related they are almost synonymous. Forgiveness without reconciliation is a contradiction in terms and a serious abuse of the English language. (A far better course for the victim is not to `forgive", but to `release" the anger and to defer further action against the unrepentant abuser.)

Nevertheless, unconditional forgiveness is very popular among evangelicals. The argument for it goes along the lines that since God's forgiveness is "unconditional" and `prepared beforehand", available at all times for the asking; so must also Christian victims forgive their abusers beforehand whether or not the abuser repents, and regardless of the degree of suffering the abuse has caused. This is the second victimization.

There are two glaring errors in this reasoning. Firstly, it makes the old mistake of assuming that if Christ did it, so should we. (A similar mistake is: if they did it in the new testament, so should we.) This view imposes on the victim a co-redemptive role that belongs only to the Christ, and is similar to the Roman Church's notion that identifying with Christ means suffering like Him, perhaps even experiencing the stigmata. Secondly, it "perverts the rights of the afflicted" (Pbs 31 also Pbs 24:24) by denying the victim the right of recourse and recompense. Various martyrdoms of saints are purported to be supportive of unconditional forgiveness. Stephen, for example, followed Christ's example and prayed for the forgiveness of his murderers. The difference between martyrs and victims, is simply that victims have to live on bearing the consequences of their abuse in their bodies and minds. Martyrs don't. A precedent is not a rule.

Sadly, the typical consequences of being a victim subjected to the RDF system is that the victim's life problems (which are bound to happen without special care) are routinely interpreted by the RDF as God's judgment for "unforgiveness". Some RDFs will then distance themselves from the "ungodly", "unforgiving" victim (a third victimization?). Due to the intense pressure of this "spiritual abuse", the victim, who at one time had legitimate, protective feelings and reactions to their abuser, learns to deny and hide their real feelings; and to believe that their real, hurting selves are "bad". Victims then comply with their abuser, adopting a "co-dependent" posture.

The Short Biblical Argument for Conditional Forgiveness:

As a quick logical exercise, consider God's forgiveness of men.  Conditional or Unconditional? 

If it were unconditional all would be Forgiven, and there would be only Paradise for the Forgiven, and no Hell for the Unforgiven.  This something is a Condition discriminating between the "Forgiven" & the "Unforgiven".

The Condition differentiating the Forgiven from the Unforgiven is that of the Offender's Repentance and forming a covenant relationship with the Offended to stop offending.  Note that the Covenant requires the participation of both parties.  If we are to use God's forgiveness as a model for our own forgiveness of Offenders, one would suppose that it would also be conditional on the offender's repentance and forming a covenant relationship to "Go and sin no more."

FYI for those who say the Bible doesn't talk about "Hell" or believe everyone even the Devil is already "Forgiven"

28  And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.  Matthew 10:28, KJV

27  But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.  Luke 19:27, KJV

41  Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:  42  For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:  43  I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.  44  Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?  45  Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.  46  And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.  Matthew 25:41-46, KJV

The Forgiveness Process Outcome Grid:

The confusion and hardship Unconditional Forgiveness causes victims of serious abuse could be avoided by better defining the problem using a simple concept from Decision Theory or logic. As it turns out, there are four "problems" which RDFs lump together, providing only "Compulsory Unconditional Forgiveness" as a panacea for all four.

With two players each with two choices, there are FOUR possible outcomes. These are laid out below in Table 2: "The Forgiveness Process Outcome Grid. For reconciliation and forgiveness to occur, both the offended and the offender must agree to reconcile, i.e. move to grid square A. Neither party can be held solely responsible for this outcome. The Offended's part is to move to the left column; the offender's part is to move to the top row.

Note that the structure of the grid is clear cut due to the logic of the problem. This author proposes that the path out of Victimization (D) is to pass over Unforgiveness (C) and pursue Forgiveness (A), but if the Abuser refuses to repent, it may be necessary for the victim to Release (B) their anger and recompense.

Conditional Forgiveness & Reconciliation (A): Rebuke, Repent, Recompense, Reconcile (Forgive)

This is the BEST outcome, and the goal to be sought strenuously, Reconciliation is it's outcome. But it requires the agreement of both parties which cannot occur if there is a failure on either side.

The grid helps also to illustrate the parallel forgiveness process of Salvation, i.e. reconciliation between the unregenerate and God. We can view God's role in reconciliation as being the Offended, and always being in the left column, having waived the requirement for recompense through propitiation. Forgiveness is then conditional on the unregenerate Offender's decision to repent and move to Grid Square A.

"Gracious Confrontation", "Release (to Redeemer" (B): Rebuke, Repent not, Release to Redeemer, Remember (Forgiveness impossible)

If the abuser denies the abuse, the victim has a much harder time getting out of the SSPS and be fully restored, but progress can be made. The pain and feelings of responsibility for the abuse can be released independently. Christians exercising faith in Christ and releasing their pain to him as their kinsman Redeemer have a great benefit here.

Common parlance. has incorporated in the use of the word `forgive, what is called here a `release". In the Old Testament context this was a well understood practice, and incorporated the victim's calling on his `Kinsman Redeemer", a Christ type, when the victim themselves were unable to elicit a repentance. Reconciliation is not a part of this `forgiveness", but the victim's faith and trust in the Kinsman Redeemer provides relief of the emotional burden of victimization and bitterness.

In the parallel forgiveness process of Salvation, this is the state of unregenerate Man. As will be discussed later, the unregenerate moves from Square A to Square B at the moment of conversion for `Conversion Salvation". There remains, however, the `working out" of that promise throughout life in `Sanctification Salvation".

10  Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. 

11  Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish.  12  Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contended with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought.  13  For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.  14  Fear not, thou worm Jacob, and ye men of Israel; I will help thee, saith the LORD, and thy redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. 

15  Behold, I will make thee a new sharp threshing instrument having teeth: thou shalt thresh the mountains, and beat them small, and shalt make the hills as chaff. 16  Thou shalt fan them, and the wind shall carry them away, and the whirlwind shall scatter them: and thou shalt rejoice in the LORD, and shalt glory in the Holy One of Israel.  Isaiah 41:10-16

Revenge,  Resentment, Unforgiveness (C):

Often in the old testament records one finds vows being made to repay a wrong done many times over to the offender. This is Revenge and was forbidden. "An eye for an eye" was the `Law of Limitation" to preclude Revengence over and over, and to normally limit Recompense to the actual loss.  What we might call "Punitive Damages" were not precluded.

One potential outcome is that the offender comes to the offended, repents, and tries to make amends. The offended, however, refuses to forgive. This is the situation addressed by most New Testament verses on forgiveness, but does not play much of a role in victimization.

23  Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;  24  Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.  

25  Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.  26  Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.   Matthew 5:23-26

Compulsory Forgiveness, Perverting the rights of the Afflicted (D):

This is the WORST Outcome ant the old saw which destroys minds and lives.   Compulsory "Unconditional" Forgiveness has been very commonplace for perhaps centuries in churches.  It has been called "Fast Forgiveness".  It is just another form of Denial. 

Compulsory Forgiveness is not a way out of Victimhood, in fact it is a trap, protecting the Perpetrators.  Our guess it is a relic of Catholicism which is a surprise to find in so-called "Bible Believing" churches.

24  He that saith unto the wicked, Thou are righteous; him shall the people curse, nations shall abhor him:  25  But to them that rebuke him shall be delight, and a good blessing shall come upon them.  Proverbs 24:24-25

"Bondage Breaker" Fail, a variant of Compulsory Forgiveness

In recent years, an improvement on Compulsory Forgiveness has been attempted in the "Bondage Breaker" literature and remains very popular.

Unfortunately, it still fails for slightly different reasons.   Victims are still obligated to become Co-Redemptors not rebuking the offenders.  Victims are  exhorted to "pay the price of the evil...    all true forgiveness is substitutionary.." etc.

A failed improvement of the "Bondage Breaker"  material is saying  "Forgiveness is `not forgetting" and "Forgiveness is not Reconciliation" etc, both anti-Biblical insertions into what is claimed to be argued from a "Biblical" perspective. 

Forgiveness without reconciliation is a contradiction in terms!!!!  Are these authors going to rejoice in their Forgiveness by a God who will set strong boundaries against them, refusing to Reconcile with them?   The "Bondage Breaker"  is a twisted farce, a nonsense, still "perverting the rights of the Afflicted".

The answer is probably in recognizing that there are FOUR potential outcomes given that there are TWO people each of which may fail to implement their Biblical instructions.  As either a Repentant Perpetrator or Recovering Victim, you may have to face different outcomes depending on the response of the other party in the Offense.  There isn't a single answer of "Forgiveness" for either of you.

Although we cringe to repeat the "Bondage Breaker"  material due to it's rapid-fire double-talk and MISREPRESENTATION of what is "Biblical", in the aggregate, usually due to it's Compulsory Forgiveness stance, here is what it says <Arggh!>....

"Step 3: BITTERNESS versus FORGIVENESS

"Most of the ground that Satan gains in the lives of Christians is due to unforgiveness. We are warned to forgive others so that Satan cannot take advantage of us (2 Corinthians 2:10,11). God requires us to forgive others from our hearts or He will turn us over to the tormentors (Matthew 18:34,35). Why is forgiveness so critical to our freedom? Because of the cross, God didn't give us what we deserve; He gave us what we needed according to His mercy. We are to be merciful just as our heavenly Father is merciful (Luke 6:36). We are to forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:31,32). <i.e. CONDITIONALLY>

"Forgiveness is not forgetting. People who try to forget find that they cannot. God says He will "remember no more" our sins (Hebrews 10:17), but God, being omniscient, cannot forget. "Remember no more" means that God will never use the past against us (Psalm 103:12. Forgetting may be a result of forgiveness, but it is never the means of forgiveness. When we bring up the past against others, we haven't forgiven them.

"Forgiveness is a choice, a crisis of the will. Since  God requires us to forgive <No He doesn't!!!!>, it is something we can do.  (He would never require us to do something we cannot do.) But forgiveness is difficult for us because it pulls against our concept of justice. We want revenge for offenses suffered. But we are told never to take our own revenge (Romans 12:19). "Why should I let them off the hook?" we protest. You let them off your hook, but they are never off God's hook. He will deal with them fairly - something we cannot do.

"If you don't let offenders off your hook, you are hooked to them and the past, and that just means continued pain for you. Stop the pain; let it go. You don't forgive someone merely for their sake; you do it for your sake so you can be free. Your need to forgive isn't an issue between you and the offender; it's between you and God.

"Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person's sin. Forgiveness is costly; we pay the price of the evil we forgive. Yet you're going to live with those consequences whether you want to or not; your only choice is whether you will do so in the bitterness of unforgiveness or the freedom of forgiveness. That's how Jesus forgave you - He took the consequences of your sin upon Himself. All true forgiveness is substitutional, because no one really forgives without bearing the penalty of the other persons sin. Why then do we forgive? Because Christ forgave us. God the Father "made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21). Where is the justice? The cross makes forgiveness legally and morally right: "For the death that He died, He died to sin, once for all" (Romans 6:10).

It appears that a problem with RDF thinking is what has to be a ignorance, perhaps willful ignorance of the Square B outcome, "Gracious Confrontation", "Release (to Redeemer".

The consequence is to invalidate the victim's self-protective feelings of indignation, their expectation of Repentance and Recompense, and to force the recovering Victim back into SSPS.

Let us close this section with a quote from Carolyn Heggen:

"Churches do teach that forgiveness of those who sin against us is a prerequisite for experiencing God's forgiveness and living a joyful Christian life. Not only have we learned we must forgive and be reconciled to those who trespass against us but we must do it promptly.

In general, the responsibility for reconciliation between perpetrator and victim of sexual abuse has been placed on the victim. It has been assumed and communicated by many pastors and lay people that if she will forgive her abuser and cast off bitter feelings, the relationship can be restored. while survivors of sexual abuse report varied responses from Christians with whom they share stories of victimization, a consistent concern has been to assess whether the victim has "really forgiven" the abuser.

Sadly, many victims report feeling reprimanded by Christian professionals for their inability to promptly forgive and forget. "when my pastor learned that the abuse had ended twenty-seven years ago, he said, 'Only a bitter, self-pitying woman would even remember these things after all those years.' "The pastor's response caused this woman to feel even more self-hatred and self-condemnation. She left the pastor's office with an overwhelming but familiar sense that she was guilty and evil. She attempted suicide that evening.

Reconciliation between victims and their offenders is surely an important and desirable goal, particularly when both are believers and members of the same congregation. As long as the relationship remains broken, not only are the key participants' lives affected, but also those of their families, the congregation, and the broader Christian community.

Thus, victims and offenders should be encouraged to work toward restored relationship. But reconciliation must be seen in the context of a longer often difficult process which involves repentance, restitution, forgiveness and reconciliation.