Deadbeat Dad or Mom

 In January, I was ordered to pay $752 a month in Child Support starting on February.

Our most recent separation began about eight years ago when the Children’s mother and I separated for the fourth and final time after her fourth extramarital affair. When I left the family home, I had to completely start over.  All I took with me was my desk, my schoolbooks, my clothes, my old computer and an old van that was sabotaged by her boyfriend who put alcohol in my engine oil a few weeks later (He also damaged, was charged and convicted of damaging the car I purchased to replace the van).  I also took all the bills, one of which I finally managed to pay off in last  spring  and one of which I am still paying off at $100 per month with approximately $2000 remaining.

The separation began with the four children of the marriage living with their mother and coming to stay with me on weekends in my almost empty one bedroom apartment.   After about a year and a half I managed to get a townhouse in a nearby development. Then, about a year later my eldest son, about eleven at the time, came crying to my car saying he was not going back to that house again after being assaulted by his mother’s boyfriend and being verbally attacked by his mother.  Then, that summer, the next oldest child, who was then then, and who has Autism, refused to go back to his mother’s home after staying with me for the summer.  He said he did not want to continue to endure his mother verbal abuse toward him (the abuses are documented in a Court Ordered Home Assessment that the children’s mother and her lawyer requested and then later argued to not be consider by the court as the results were very negative toward her).

That left me with the two oldest children of the marriage (which are more expensive to support and the Children’s mother with the two youngest.  We then negotiated a custody agreement.  This agreement intentionally omitted child support, as we each agreed to independently support the two children we had in our care.  Things went well with the two children in their mother's care coming to our home every second weekend as well as extra time during school breaks and holidays.  The two children in my care were supposed to go to their mother's home on the alternate weekends so that the four children could spend every weekend together.  However, over time my oldest son decided to no longer go to his mother’s home and the second oldest goes to the his mother’s home only occasionally.

During the years since our separation, I endeavored to improve my education and thus my employability.  Being a person with a permanent disability (from a motorcycle accident when I was sixteen) and then becoming a single parent I did not want to remain on social assistance for the rest of my life. So I went to university, fitting my class schedule into my children's school schedule as best I could and finding contracts or part-time work that also fit and collecting social assistance or Employment Insurance when I needed to because I could not find appropriate work. During this time, I also paid for lunchtime and after school care when I could not be home.  For the last three years of my education, I went to school full time while also working full time.  For the last two years, we have been financially independent, though $50,000 in debt to student loans - $20,000 still remaining to be paid).  I found part-time work, and then a full-time job (with a part-time job on the side) that paid enough to keep us off social assistance and Employment Insurance.  Then about 18 months ago I found the full-time job I have now that gave us enough money to move out of MRHA and purchase a modest home.  This home is big enough for each child to have their own room but to save on cost, it is unfinished, so we still have a lot of work to do to it.  It is filled with mostly second hand furniture.

Our oldest son wants to go to Community College to become a mechanic.  He certainly has the skills and the interest in cars.  He is now in grade ten and my plan was to begin to put money away to pay for his education starting when he starts grade eleven.  Now, that will not happen, nor will I be able to put away any money for any of the children’s secondary education.  Our second oldest son wants to go into computers. The third oldest, our daughter, plans to become a veterinarian.  Our youngest, a third son, is undecided, but talks of the usual thing nine-year old boys’ talk about, being a police officer.

Unfortunately, the Children’s mother made different choices that will also have an impact on our four children.  She remained on social assistance this entire time and did little to improve her chances of getting a job, even after the three children (a younger daughter from a later relationship) in the her care were all in school. 

My two oldest and I would be delighted to have the two yougest live permanently in our home.  They have asked me about living here and I have offered to have them live here half-time or even full-time if that is what they want but their mmther has refused this offer even though the children are agreeable to it.

Now that the mother is receiving over $700 a month in Child Support the Children’s mother will taken off of Employment Support & Income Assistance and thus be made completely financially dependent on me.  the Child Support will not only  be going to support the children of the marriage, but will also be supporting the mother and a child not of the marriage.  (She will now only have this source of income and a small amount of child support from her youngest child’s father.)  She will also loose the job search support available through Community Services if she ever does make an effort to look for work.

We do not live in luxury and do not have any ‘disposable income’ by the time we pay the bills.  We bought a house that was big enough that each of the four children can have their own rooms, we keep rooms for them here (and am still paying to finish their rooms), give them their modest allowances, buy clothes for them and have full wardrobes for them here, we have them on my partner’s medical coverage, feed them when they are here (every second weekend plus any other times they want - such as the entire Christmas break, summer and March break, long weekends, etc.), buy them over the counter medications when they need them, buy them Xmas / birthday, Easter gifts, buy them school supplies, school pictures, coats, boots, shoes, sneakers, toys, etc.  etc. etc.  - what ever else they tell me they need, take them on recreational outings and with any luck, will be taking them on a few camping trips this summer. All of which they are free to take to their mother's home, and usually do, so I end up purchasing replacement items over and over again.  But I don't mind, as long as they have what they need and are happy.

Neither myself nor my partner of six years drink or smoke, we have not been out on a ‘date’ since what feels like forever, most of my clothes came from my step-mother who picked them up at a used clothing store for $2 a piece a couple of years ago and I drive a ten year old Ford Escort. However, I try to provide some extras for the children.  They have their own telephone line, they have computers on the internet, they have digital cable.   Conversely, the Children’s mother gives very little to her two oldest children.

Paying the court ordered amount, or any amount of child support will require me to take away from the children of the marriage, including the two children I will be paying support for. In addition to fully supporting the two children in my care I have always taken the two children who are not in my care for haircuts, bought them new clothes, jackets, shoes, paid for school pictures and school supplies or anything else they tell me they need that they are free to take with them to their mother’s home.  All these ‘extras’ that the children get will have to go.   The healthy food they receive in our home will have to switched to Kraft Dinner and hot dogs.  In addition, many other drastic cuts to the four children’s lifestyle will have to occur in order for me to even begin to find $752 a month in our budget as that amount is over one third of my take home pay.

As a result, all the Children’s mother has achieved by being awarded $752 a month in child support is hurting the children of the marriage by lowering the overall combined income of the two households, reestablishing the Children’s mother’s financial dependence on me, reducing her mother’s options for becoming financially independent, further alienating her oldest son, angering her second oldest son, and reducing the amount of money that is going to be available for all four children’s secondary education.

As a social worker I am left with many questions. Why does the government and legal system not only promote but requires parents to make poor parenting choices? Why are the acts, laws, regulations and the legal interpretations of them, inherently biased in favor of the mother?  Why the every growing divorce industry has been allowed to become self-perpetuating on the backs of fathers, mothers and children?  I also have to ask who is the deadbeat?  Me, who has fulfilled my obligations under our mediated agreement.  Me, who has worked hard to support all four children of the marriage.  Or is the children’s mother the deadbeat.  She has done little if anything to improve here situation.  She remained dependent on social assistance to support her and the two children of the marriage and one child not of the marriage.  She is now going to once again be financially dependent on me and the overall total combined income of the two houses will drop, reducing the money available to all 4 children.  As an adult, let alone a parent, should the Children’s mother not also be financially responsible for supporting the children of the marriage, particularly the two that live with her? As an adult should the children’s mother not be responsible for supporting herself financially? There is nothing preventing her from getting a job.  Finally, I have to ask what out of all this is in the ‘Best Interest of the Child’?